It's election season once again. I'm thinking of making a run for city council in our progressive western town. Here's my revised platform, voters.
1. NO LEAF BLOWERS. Rationale: it's a horrible noisy unecological machine that can easily be replaced with a broom. And everyone knows that single-stroke engines are major polluters.
2. ALL MALL PERFORMERS MUST BE JURIED. Rationale: no more off-key singing. No more bad juggling. No more ugly balloon animals. No more noisy drummers or whining didgeredoos.
3. EVERY RESTAURANT MUST KEEP A PIG. Rationale: a perfect, ecologically-sound solution to the waste food problem. Come to think of it, let's require a piggery of all institutions with lunchrooms, such as high schools and hospitals. Let's fatten up those porkers, turn them into bacon and savory spare ribs.
4. NO "HOLIDAY" LIGHTS. Rationale: waste of electricity and other scarce resources. Global warming. Bad taste. Bad theology. Bauble-olatry.
5. NEW ANNUAL HOLIDAY: Charles Darwin's birthday, February 12. Rationale: uncontroversial celebration of a great thinker. (I reject out of hand those extremists who propose to celebrate Darwin's birthday on December 25. I'm a uniter, not a divider.)
6. NO MUSIC WRITTEN AFTER 1897. Rationale: obvious. Why 1897? Death of Johannes Brahms. Also, no amplified music of any kind in an automobile that is audible outside the vehicle. Higher fines and jail terms hip hop and for excessively patriotic "country."
7. NO SMOKERS. Rationale: lung cancer, heart attacks, emphysema, ashes, disgusting odor, cigarette litter on the sidewalk. Note: not "no smoking"-- "no smokers." No going outside of city limits to light up and then re-entering.
8. NO VISIBLE TATTOOS. Why only "visible "tattoos? Because whole-body inspections might be considered intrusive by squishy civil libertarians. Also, no nose rings, navel rings, or other bodily piercings. Except earrings. I rather like earrings. But no more than one per ear.
9. ANNUAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL PRAIRIE DOG SHOOT AND BARBECUE. Let them kids exercise their Second Amendment rights; eliminate them pesky varmints; learn to cook. One platform position, three social benefits.
10. NO DOGS PERMITTED WITHIN CITY LIMITS. Rationale: fatal dog attacks, dog bites, barking dogs, squealing dogs, ubiquitous dog "waste," dogs carrying on in parks and open space, the goopy indulgence of dog "guardians," the ecological disaster of dog food. But what about seeing-eye dogs, you ask? Well, that's a slippery slope, ain't it. Sorry folks, no dogs (except for purposes of vivisection).
11. NO MORE COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Rationale: I don't like college football.
12. NO "FACILITATORS" WITH WHITEBOARDS OR FLIPCHARTS AT MEETINGS. Goodness gracious, am I ever tired of those things.
That's about it. I feel that I have my finger on the pulse of the electorate. It's going to be a landslide. Tell me that life won't be better as soon as we enact these new laws