Notes on Interspecies Sexuality

Readers might be tempted to disbelieve the outrageous silliness that follows, but here it is, exactly as it appeared in the newspaper.  If you don't believe me, check for yourself. 

DEAR ABBY: Am I a "sicko" because I step out of the shower naked in front of our dog? My wife, Amy, thinks so. The trouble started when we got a female dog, "Taffy," from the local animal shelter. Taffy sleeps in our bedroom and is there in the morning when I take my shower. Amy insists that I cover up in front of the dog and that Taffy is no different from a child. This has created a lot of stress between us because, to me, a dog is a dog. Is it wrong to be naked in front of a dog? -- SCOTT IN NEW JERSEY

How even to begin?  My immediate thought was to take the opportunity afforded by ABBY and Scott and Amy to make some jokes. E.g., is it wrong to be naked in front of a dog?  Depends on the dog's attitude toward sexuality and gender. Depends on whether it's the kind of dog who likes to worry a bone. Depends on whether it's a hairy or a hairless dog. And also: would it matter if the dog is gay?  Or male?  How does Amy feel about Taffy eyeballing her?  Would Tuffy be granted the same privilege?  Does Taffy spend extra time licking her genitalia after getting a full frontal view of Scott? Etc. Lots of opportunities for bad humor. In addition to the jokes, I thought that I might also write a few serious sentences about sentimentality toward animals. And also about flagrant anthropomorphism -- I'm deeply troubled when someone proclaims that a dog is "no different from a child."

I wrote an e-mail to confidants asking for help, thinking that they might provide me with some one-liners. One of the answers that I received came from my old friend Spike Schapiro, who, diligent readers will remember, wrote to me a couple of days ago on the subject of marriage and animals (see the entry for January 21 titled "Marriage Advice). Spike got himself a little bent out of shape by DEAR ABBY, but I must admit that he took the plight of Scott and Amy much more seriously than I did.  Here's a excerpt from Spike's response: 

"The trouble began when we got a female dog, Taffy." No, Scott, the trouble didn't begin when you brought home the little bitch.The trouble began long before that. It all started when Amy was a child and her neo-Victorian God-fearing parents, who more than likely had sex once and only once, and then only to fulfill a legal requirement, found their daughter frolicking clothesless and with a hand "down there" and patiently and sensitively explained to her that the great Jehovah would wither her finger if her naked skin ever saw the sun again. Amy's been in a psychological twist ever since. And Scott  -- why the heck do you bother writing to ABBY?  You must know the score. Your wife is a total nutball. She's nuts about animals, nuts about nakedness, nuts about sex  -- which, I guarantee, you're not getting a lot of. Think seriously whether you want to stay in this relationship. Amy -- get a hold of yourself before it's too late. If you want to save your marriage, which is now staggering to a nasty conclusion, don't worry about the intimacy of Scott and Taffy. Throw Taffy and your dancing hyena and the fool baboon out of the window. Worry about Scott and Amy.  Exercise your buccinatory muscles. Learn how to make winky-winky. Unlearn everything that you learned from your parents. Take off your clothes and look at yourself in the mirror.  Grow up."

I guess I see Spike's point.  I think, though, that he's confused this Amy and Scott with the Amy who wrote about training her husband Scott in the well-known NYT article. Although, come to think of it, they could be the same couple.

In any case, I think that Spike could have made the same point a little more gently. I've edited out some of his harsher adjectives.    

Comments

[mcMüller]

Well, ha ha, if Scott is anything like you — that is, if he "diddles with the Ouija board" (as you admit to doing in your post titled "Predictions for 2007") — it's no wonder his wife wants his stuff covered up while he's around the dog.