This blague's enthusiastic readers are well aware that each year for the last two, Dr. M. has made himself available for the NBA draft, but that not a single team has selected him, even the lowly, strife-ridden Knicks. It's incomprehensible, but true. Why are these GMs so unadventurous?
As a consequence of being overlooked, I'm developing an entirely new marketing strategy this year. I'm no longer going to sit at home waiting for the telephone to ring. Heck, no! I'm going to advertise my skills by competing in the dunking contest.
I've developed three imaginative new dunks, any one of which could carry the day and get me the attention I require.
The first is a variation of "making change." I drive to the basket, leap into the air with a basketball in my left hand. With the right hand, I leave a quarter on the top of the backboard and take down the dime that's been previously placed there.With the left hand, I gracefully drop the ball through the net.
My second dunk. I have a ball in each hand and put another one under my shirt. I spring, dunk both basketballs authoritatively and successively, then grab the third one and throw it high into the air. I land right under the backboard, and then, without pause, immediately spring into the air again and power that third one through just as it comes down into the cylinder.
I've perfected these two moves, which, I can say without bragging, are far more interesting than anything I saw in the contest last year. To be absolutely honest, so far I've only done them with six-foot rim and with those mini-basketballs that they sometime distribute free during the second half timeouts. Not to worry -- I'm working on it every day and in a couple of weeks I'll be ready for the standard rim and full-sized basketball. There's still plenty of time before All-Star Weekend.
My third dunk is even more extraordinary. I start at the far basket and do a series of back handsprings and back flips across the floor. Then, as I approach the target basket, I pick up a basketball between my ankles, and with one final back flip -- in which my feet are actually above the level of the rim -- I slam that sucker home. It's going to be something spectacular to watch, I guarantee, just a soon as I work out a few kinks in the execution.
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