My Life in Jokes* **

Why did the moron throw the clock out of the window?  Because he wanted to see time fly. &&&  How do you say "refrigerator" in Italian?  Ice-a box. &&& Why do fireman wear read suspenders?  To hold their pants up. &&& Knock-knock. Who's there?  Anita. Anita who?  Anita borrow a pencil. &&&  "Over the Cliff" by Hugo Furst. 'The Russian Surgeon's Revenge" by I. Kutchakokoff; "The Yellow Stream" by I. P. Daley?  &&& Guy is walking in the woods and meets a friend. The friend has a black eye and a bloody nose. "What happened to you?  "Guy beat me up." "Why?"  "I don't know. I was looking for hotel I'm supposed to stay at, and I came upon this man lying on top of a woman. I asked him, how far is the Olde Log inn and he jumped up and hit me."  &&&  Horse wants to try out for the Dodgers. Leo Durocher says, sure he's a horse but the Dodgers are in the dumps; let's see what he can do. "Can you throw?" Horse picks up a ball, walks to the pitching mound, and throws a 105 mile fastball right down the middle of the plate. "Can you hit?" Horse picks up a bat and steps to the plate. On the first swing, he hits a tremendous line drive off the scoreboard in right field. "Run," says Durocher. "Run," says the horse. "Why do you think I'm here?  If I could run I'd be at Hialeah." &&& Man is knocked down by a bus. He's lying in the road, bleeding to death. A friend comes by, says, Solly, how you doink? Solly says, "I make a living." &&&  Truman, Churchill, and Stalin are driving in a car down a narrow road. There's a cow in the middle of the road, blocking the way. Churchill gets out of the car, waves his hands and screams at the cow, but he can't get it to budge. Truman gets out, picks up a stick and starts beating the cow. It still won't move. Stalin gets out, walks up to the cow and whispers something into the cow's ear. The cow bolts and disappears into the woods. They get back into the car. Truman and Churchill say to Stalin, "What in the world did you say to the cow to get her to run like that. Stalin says, "I told her I'd put her on a collective farm." &&& Man is in a nightclub. Everyone's singing and dancing. He gets an urge to take a dump. Can't find the toilet. He's having a hard time holding it in. Waiter tells him the bathroom is upstairs.  He goes up to the next floor, can't find the toilet. He's about to explode.Finally he sees a hole in the floor. He squats and lets fly with a tremendous load. He gets dressed, goes downstairs. Everyone has disappeared; no music, no dancing, no drinking. He finds the waiter. "What happened?" Waiter says, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"  &&& The mayor of Muncie, Indiana is scheduled to preside at a ceremony honoring a local girl-made-good now called Lolita Lamour, but who grew up in Muncie under the name Flora Faye Fluck. But he's worried that he might mispronounce the name and embarrass himself. He practices:  Flora Faye Fluck. Flora Faye Fluck.  Finally, the big day arrives. The mayor makes his speech. "And here she is, ladies and gentleman, Lolita Lamour, known to all of her friends here in Muncie as Flora Faye Klunt." &&&  A man is walking on a beach. He comes upon a naked woman lying on the shore. He jumps on her, screws her, and continues on his way. After a half-a-mile he meets three or four members of a search party. One of them says, "A woman has drowned. Have you seen a dead body on the beach." Man says, "O my god. Was she dead?  I thought she was English."  &&&  A scorpion say to a turtle, "I need to get to the other side of the Dead Sea.  Let me climb on your back and you swim across."  Turtle says, "But if you're on my back, you could sting me." Scorpion says, "Why would I do that?  If I sting you, we'd both drown." Turtle says, "OK, get on my back."  They get to the middle of the Dead Sea, and the scorpion stings the turtle. Turtle says, "Why did you do that?" Scorpion answers, "Because this is the Middle East." &&&  An airplane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean.  Suddenly, the loudspeaker comes on. "This is your pilot. If you look out of the window on the right side of the plane, you can see smoke coming out of the #1 engine. If you look out the left side, you can see flames coming out of the #2 engine. Now look down. If you look closely, you can see a small life-raft floating in the ocean. I am speaking to you from that raft." &&& Searching for the meaning of life, a man travels to Tibet, climbs the highest mountain, comes to a monastery where the wisest man in the world lives. He asks the monk, "What is the meaning of life." The monk says, "life ... is a barrel."  The man goes back to Cleveland, thinks about it for five years. What does it mean, life is a barrel?  He can't figure it out, so he gets back on the boat, travels to Tibet, climbs the mountain, finds the monk, and asks him, "What did you mean, life is a barrel." The monk shrugs his shoulders. "OK, so life isn't a barrel." &&&  Old guy, maybe a bluesman, bottle of hooch in a brown paper bag, sits on a bench in the middle of the night, downtown, playing air-sax, nodding. Young fellow comes by, cheerful, asks him, "Crosstown buses run this way?"  Blues guy looks up, pauses for a second, and then drawls, "Doo--dah, doo-dah." &&& A man, 93, and his wife, 91, go to the rabbi and tell him that they're miserable and want a divorce. The rabbi says, "You've been unhappy all these years and you wait seventy years to get a divorce. What are you thinking?" Man says, "We wanted to wait until the children were all dead."  &&&  "My brain!  My second favorite organ." (W. Allen). &&&  Man goes to the rabbi in distress. He says that his wife is trying to poison him. "How do you know that?  "I saw her putting stuff in my coffee." Rabbi says, "It's got to be a mistake. I'll talk to her." Two days later, the rabbi calls him. "Your wife came in. I talked to her for three hours.Three hours straight I talk to her." "So what's your advice?" "Drink the poison." &&& Man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer and you're going to be dead in a month." "So what's the good news." "Well," the doctor says, "You see that cute nurse over there. I finally fucked her." &&& An older guy is walking down the street. He meets a friend and they chat for a few minutes. Man starts to leave, turns back to his friend, and says, "By the way, when we met, was I walking north or south?" "You were going south." "Good," says the guy, "then I've already had my  lunch." &&& George W. Bush goes for dinner at the ADL where he's served a bowl of matzo ball soup. He looks at it suspiciously, but then, remembering all the strange foods he's eaten at ceremonial dinners, takes a bite. Not bad. He turns to his host: "Tell me," he says, "do the Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or only the balls?" &&& Two old guys are ritually washing a corpse.The first one says, "Look at the schlong on this guy. He's a horse." The second guy says, "It's just like mine." First guy says, "You have a dong like this. I don't believe it. I've never seen anything half as large."  The second guy says, "I said it was like mine. I didn't mean mine was just as large.  I meant mine is just as dead."  &&&  Knock-knock.  Who's there?  "Yo mama."  "Yo mama who." "Yo mama. This is no joke. Open the damn door and let me in."

 * All jokes are as remembered.  No websites or other research tools have been employed.

**  All jokes are genuine historical artefacts and many not conform to the highest standards of contemporary taste.

Comments

[Steve in CHGO]

I take my hat off to you! I love corny, old jokes. Much to my surprise, there are a few here that I did not recognize. In the variation I heard, the monk on the mountain replies in surprise, "Life isn't like a barrel?"

As soon as each of my 3 children was old enough to understand the concept of humor, I taught them this joke, which we would inflict upon any company. ME: Doctor, my arm hurts when I do THIS. (I raise my right arm to the side until horizontal.) CHILD (laughing so hard they can barely deliver the punch line): Then don't DO that!

PS: I discovered this blague [sic] while looking for something else. It will take me a long time to read it, but I'll love every minute.

PPS to Dmarie: Remember the Comedy Rule of Three. If you remove one of the real operations, your joke will be stronger.

[Dmarie]

Loved your jokes. Here's one from the 80's. Let's test your knowledge on medical procedures: What do you call it when a person gets their tonsils taken out? Answer: Tonsillectomy What do you call it when a woman has a breast removed? Answer: Mastectomy What do you call it when someone has their appendix removed? Answer: Appendectomy What do you call it when a woman has a sex change operation? Answer: Addadicktome.

[CKNC]

I must say Dr., that I am quite surprised by your ability to remember without turning to another source so many jokes and more surprised by the kinds of jokes you've remembered. Some of them are very silly indeed and others are just plain tasteless. A few are worth recalling, but alas, I've forgotten them as soon as I've read them ... my memory is certainly less reliable than yours for jokes anyway. I might need to work on that.