In Which God Speaks Directly to Me

The number of Republicans who are waiting for a signal from God about whether or not to run for president  of the USA continues to grow. They're waiting and waiting and waiting.

And meanwhile, surprising is it may seem, God the Father revealed himself to me -- me! --just last night. He woke me out of a sound sleep (which is a kind of miracle in itself because I had taken a double dose of Ambien). I have no idea why I was chosen as the Vessel of His Wisdom, but, you know, God moves in mysterious ways. I swear as I hope to go to Heaven that it was the one true God Who spoke to me. 

God said, and this is a direct, verbatim quote, "I do not want Rick Perry to run for President." I asked Him why, in His Infinite Majesty, he was so opposed to a Perry candidacy. He said (and here His Voice became so strong, so 'out-of-a-whirlwind', that it actually rattled our windows --but they're old windows and the points and putty could stand replacing), "because he's a doofus, and also because of he could only earn a "D" in the Shakespeare course at Texas A & M. Imagine that. A "D" in Shakespeare?" God was clearly outraged. "You are aware," he intoned, "that according to Victor Hugo, 'after God, Shakespeare has created the most?'"

It was interesting to me that God didn't look the way He does in the inspired Michelangelo ceiling, which is what I would have expected. He looked more like Shazam in the old Captain Marvel comic books. Old and bald, and kind of indistinct. But it was definitely God. I could feel it in my gut. Trust me. 

I asked Him if He had any other preferences in the upcoming election. He sighed. "I don't want either Bachmann or Palin either. They're doofae."  I wasn't surprised that God was so adamantine about B and P, because of their shallow religiosity and deficient knowledge of history, but I was truly shocked that God called them by the faux-Latin feminine plural "doofae." I mean, doofus isn't even a real Latin word, despite its -us ending, and so there's no singular feminine "doofa."  I would have thought that God would have a better command of His Latinity. I was so taken aback that I forgot to ask Him how he felt about Newt, whom I myself would definitely prefer to be the Republican candidate. He's so adorable.

But the grammar of the Godhead is beside the point. The absolute true fact is that He has spoken quite plainly. We mortals need to know no more but simply to walk humbly in His ways, which means that Perry and the two ladies should take heed of this authentic Divine Intervention and decline to pursue elected office. For them to continue to press forward, at this juncture and with this revelation, would be nothing short of blasphemy.     

Comments

[Otis J. Brown]

Er, I mean Mitt.

[Otis J. Brown]

That leaves George "Corporations Are People, Too" Romney.