By all rights I should have been attending to the intricate areas of my face while shaving, but I lapsed into a reverie. My obsession of the moment--the beard. Why? Why in the world do human males grow hair on their faces? What's the point? The beard is completely valueless except to Gillette and Schick and now Harry.
If the beard had a genuine function and if it honestly kept a person warm in winter, then for what reason would evolution deprive the gals of equivalent protection?
Do bearded males garner a larger share of the nubile maidens than the shaved and beardless? Or a disproportionate share of the wealth? I know of no evidence that they do so. The fact that most men shave their beards argues that beards lack power or function.
It's sexual dimorphism without purpose or logic. My guess--and it's only a guess--is that the beard-gene clung to a gene with a useful male purpose a couple of hundred thousand years ago and never let go. Accidental hirsuteness.
I suppose that there are times when sexual dimorphism can be useful. Those magnificent manes sported by the lions of the Serengeti certainly make a formidable statement--noli me tangere and by the way remember to keep your paws off the the ladies in my harem. I can see that--but then, the males of the enormous extinct European lion managed without a ruff, as do Bengal tigers.
The gorgeous display of the male peacock is exuberant but inessential--more subtle birds manage to signal their gender and their availability without such a prodigious waste of resources.
I should be relieved that it's only the beard that I have to worry about. Imagine if by some quirk of evolution, males of my species grew a big rack of antlers. Way more inconvenient than a mere beard. What a bother!! I can easily imagine myself lodged in a narrow doorway, or lying in bed trying to find a comfortable position while the antlers scratch the headboard, put holes in the pillow, or poke the eye of the beloved.
Perhaps an advanced civilization would demand that we disbud the antlers at birth? Or we might go the other route and celebrate a magnificent set. We might have evolved into a society that decorated or colored or polished the antlers. "How are you wearing your antlers this winter?" "Natural brown, I think, this year, but with golden highlights." Chains of "Mr. Antler" or "Antler King" shops ("discount on sharpening this week only"). And for guys declined into the vale of years--prosthetic antlers.
Better a beard than antlers. Definitely.
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